Pandangan saya tertarik kepada seorang ibu yang juga sedang menikmati juadah tengahari di restoran tersebut. Raut wajahnya nampak agak tertekan.  Mungkin ibu ini letih melayan karenah anak-anak yang ada bersamanya. Kesemuanya ada 3 orang.  Suaminya tidak pula kelihatan, cuma mereka anak beranak.  Keadaan tenang si ibu  mula terganggu apabila anak lelakinya yang  dalam lingkungan 5 tahun mula bermain dengan seliparnya. Dilambung-lambung sebelah seliparnya tinggi-tinggi dan dia nampak seronok bermain seorang diri.  Keadaan itu kiranya mengundang rasa tidak senang si ibu lantaran bimbang selipar anaknya itu akan terkena pelanggan lain.

Ibunya  mula memberi renungan tajam kepada si anak tetapi langsung tidak dipedulikan. Maka hilang lah kesabaran ibu ini. Saya lihat si ibu bangun dan terus merentap tangan anaknya lalu diheretnya anak kecil itu ke meja mereka. Si anak menjerit memberontak.  Beberapa minit kemudian si  ibu dilihat meluru kebelakang kedai dan kembali dengan anak tadi yang diheret dengan kasar ke meja sekali lagi. Kali ini si anak mula meraung sekuat hati. Ini berterusan buat seketika.

Peristiwa ini sangat meruntun perasaan saya kerana saya pernah mengalami kesukaran membesarkan anak. Anak saya yang pertama dan yang kedua sewaktu kecil selalu mengamuk dan menangis berjam lamanya. Entah berapa helai baju saya yang terkoyak akibat rentapan kuat mereka dan suami saya sendiri pernah jatuh terlentang sewaktu cuba menenangkan anak yang sulung akibat ditolak olehnya. Sofa di rumah rabak sana sini.. kerusi ,meja, mesin basuh   selalu berubah tempat akibat ditendang.. ini semua penangan amukan mereka. Kami selalu berfikir dua tiga kali jika mahu ke kedai kerana sudah begitu banyak insiden mengamuk mereka yang memalukan kami di luar. Pendek kata saya membesarkan mereka berdua dengan airmata.. Ada ketikanya saya mengganggap saya sudah gagal sebagai seorang ibu. Kalau di tempat kerja saya sering termenung memikirkan cara untuk mengatasi masalah ini.

Tetapi apa yang pasti, saya tidak pernah berputus asa dalam mendidik mereka. Saya berdoa setiap hari agar Allah swt membantu saya mendidik anak-anak saya ini agar mereka menjadi insan-insan yang solehah (anak-anak  saya ini perempuan)  Maka setiap hari saya bacakan yasin untuk mereka  dan saya kerapkan solat hajat dan taubat. Begitu lah rutin saya di waktu itu. Memang benar.. Allah itu Maha Pengasih  dan Maha Mengasihani. Perubahan yang ketara berlaku apabila mereka mula duduk di asrama. Semakin hari semakin elok perilaku mereka. Pada hari ini saya adalah seorang ibu yang sangat gembira kerana mempunyai anak-anak yang sangat baik hati dan menghormati saya dan suami. Percaya atau tidak, yang sulung pernah mendapat anugerah “Sahsiah terpuji” sewaktu dia di tingkatan lima dahulu! Alhamdulillah, kerana keputusan SPM yang cemerlang, dia berjaya melanjutkan pelajarannya ke di luar negara di bawah tajaan JPA-MARA. Yang kedua pula melanjutkan pelajarannya di sebuah kolej tajaan Mara. Alhamdulillah, si adik pula selalu membanggakan kami dengan keputusan peperiksaan yang sangat cemerlang beserta dianugerahkan sebagai pelajar terbaik untuk beberapa subjek pada setiap semester dan kemudiannya  melanjutkan pelajarannya ke luar negara di bawah tajaan MARA.  Begitu lah kisah saya dan anak-anak.

Cuma sedikit nasihat dari saya, banyak-banyakkan lah bersabar dalam membesarkan anak-anak walaupun mungkin ada ketikanya kita berasa seperti sudah berputus asa. Mereka lah harta kita dunia dan akhirat, amanah Allah swt yang tidak mungkin dapat ditukar ganti. Percaya lah, berkat kesabaran dan doa ibu bapa, mereka akan menjadi anak-anak yang sangat membanggakan kita satu hari nanti.

 

They threw many hurtful words at me. They even described me as a useless broken soul who worth nothing more than a penny. I did not blame them though. How could I when nobody was to be blamed except for myself. Now, everything had changed. Memories of the life that was once mine began to slowly unfold before my eyes as I walked through the lonely road.

At the age of 13, I was still the only child of the family. Imagine how wonderful my life was when I was always pampered by my parents and did not have to share anything with anyone. However, it was just a short lived happiness. One day, my parents came back with  news that left me crying for one whole day; my mom was three months pregnant! Everyone seemed to be looking forward to having this baby. Whenever relatives came for visits, the talk of the day would always be about the baby. Suddenly, I felt lonely. I chose to shy away when people come to my house. To add to my sadness, my parents did not seem to notice the change in me.

Finally, the day that I dreaded the most arrived. Sara was safely delivered into the world on the  April 2, 2000 at noon. She had small fingers, plump rosy cheeks, round dark eyes and very curly hair. She was simply adorable! Almost at an instant, I forgot about my true feelings for her. I told myself that maybe having her around would not be so bad after all. As days passed, I would try my best to be a good sister to her and a good daughter to my parents.

Therefore, whenever I could, I would help my mother with the household chores and took care of Sara. However, as days passed, all attention would always be on Sara. Whenever the family got together for lunch, dinner or just spending time together, Sara would always be the centre of attention. No matter how hard I tried, I would always be neglected or the one at fault when we had a fight. It went on and on until I could not take it anymore. I started to count on the days when I could get back at Sara and made her pay for all the misery I had to go through.

Finally, the day arrived. It was the day when Sara turned four. My mom wanted to bake a special cake for her. That was when I got an idea to play a trick on Sara. Dressed in my favourite brown  dress, I sneaked into the kitchen and hid under a table fully covered with a dark red table cloth. Hiding and waiting under the table was a torture but my plan must go on. When there was no one in the kitchen, I came out and sprayed the cake with insecticide. Then, I happily ran to Ina’s house and played with her until we fell asleep.

When I woke up, it was already dark. Uncle Sham, Ina’s father sent me home. When we reached the front door of my house, we heard no sound. No one answered when I pressed the doorbell. The lights were not switched on even though the cars were still in the garage. Curiosity got the better of me and I walked to the backyard. The door was left open! We tiptoed into the house as we did not know what to expect.

My heart stopped beating upon seeing a man lying motionless on the floor. Oh no! It was Dad and lying beside him was a beautiful woman whom I  called Mom. I rushed to them and called out for Sara. In tears I saw her lying face down near the door. There was white foam coming out of their mouths. Oh God! They were all poisoned! I went to the table where the cake was placed and saw a present with a small card on it. It was mom’s handwriting.

“My sweetheart, we just want you to know that there is nothing in this world that could ever replace you and Sara in our hearts. Happy birthday, my love.”

With love,

mom and dad.

My birthday was on the following week. My mom celebrated my birthday together with Sara’s. Perhaps that was why she baked a special cake. Seeing their lifeless bodies made me lose all my senses. Tears started pouring down my cheeks and my knees went weak. I collapsed to the ground. No more strength to even raise a hand. "It’s all my fault…, I killed them all.." was all that I could say. I laughed and laughed continuously.  I ran out of the house not knowing where to go.

Since then, I ‘remained’ in the same brown  dress , walking, talking, laughing, thinking about what I had done.

 

By :    NADHRAH BINTI SULAIMAN